She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
