you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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