i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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