This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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