A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
