your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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