I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
