The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.