you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker