I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just threw up on my dentist
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.