I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much