i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
