It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
