I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Girls should come with a carfax report
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
