All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
