If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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