I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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