i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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