Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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