the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
