so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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