I just cut my nipple shaving
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
