I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
