she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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