We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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