Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
