You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
