so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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