Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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