The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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