I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
