so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
