I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
