I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
