now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
