found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
