I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
