Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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