At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
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