my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
