My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
