On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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