When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
