Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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