Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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