I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
