ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
