Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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