So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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