In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
