I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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