My friends, they love my intelligence
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
