allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
