I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
