He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
