literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
