Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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