why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He felt like a one man threesome
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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